The Reason

Meeting and talking to friends from home on FB made me feel a little guilty about not informing them that I was leaving. Most friends (and extended family!) don't even know that I was planning the move, let alone that I have left and intending to experience a little bit more of the world before going back home.

The plan for the masters programme started as a seed of thought even before I left the newspaper in 2005. Back then it was just about finding a way of moving away from journalism without going through what seemed like an inevitable path of moving into communications and public relations for most former journalists in Malaysia.

After the short stint with UNDP, and the move into the inevitable path of communications with MII, and the soul enriching experience of DANIDA, getting a masters degree became more of a tool to get ahead in the field I believe in the most.

The primary issue resulting in the decision to 'do it now' was recognising the dreams that I have basically left to wither in the course of fulfilling what the society thinks i should be/have. And then there is the hazard of actually getting what you wish for. Again and again I was reminded of Marrianne Williamson's 'biggest fear' quote. It was my mantra for a long while, convincing myself that I was strong enough, and ready to go on a limb and take that leap even if it means i will fail.

Telling myself is one thing, telling others is another ball game altogether. You need to convince yourself once and the rest is just a matter of making things work. Telling others means defending your decision again and again, against unfair and uninformed judgements, i-know-better-attitude, prejudice, protectionism, insecurity and fear - yours and theirs. Many a time we stop what we are supposed to do to accommodate these internal and external interference at the benefits of nobody.

And so, the decision to leave was leaked to almost no one. By almost I meant some people were given the privilege sooner than the others. Mostly these are my most trusted friends and family members, my amazing support system, as well as people undergoing the same process. There were my sisters sara and hani of course. And there were Dee-d and Jojo, and Naa who are trusted, supportive and taking the same step. There were Nik and Rasem, Joanna and Fanim who are sounding boards and brutal opinion contributors. There were Neil and Azizi who are my buddies who always listen. And then there was Ib who was my inspiration. And my treedwelling friends of course. And that was that. The rest knew about it only when there was no turning back.

Of course, mostly, I was scared that if it were leaked to everyone and I wouldnt be able to make the financial commitment, i would be totally devastated and they would see it in my eyes. I hve too much bad pride for that.

And because of that, I had a short time to say my goodbye. Meetings were arranged hastily, dinner were always attended by a mixture of friends from many parts of my life and a lot of goodbyes were done over the phone. And even now, i sit here day after day explaining myself to those who would listen the reason i didnt tell them about it all.

It was not becase YOU werent important, it was more because I needed the space to make MY own decision privately. I think that is the rights of everyone, especially for a move that is so vital that it will make or break our life.

So, deal with it!

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