Sunday, December 6, 2009

December of 2009

Being the last person to leave rome and seeing your friends leave one after another is as pleasuring as having your fingers wringed off one by one. first keith, roommate for the last 3 to the US of A. then sylvia to kenya. then kailash to australia. then gabriella to guatemala. then elisa, who decided not to be the last one standing by opting for a holiday in milan.

agnese is having a drink with me tomorrow tonight. and then, it's fare thee well rome. i'll definitely see you again :)

cant wait to be home!

love:j

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Sunday, August 23, 2009

one little birdie

...said there could be a consultancy for me here...keep your doa coming! i hear they pay good money :))

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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I am Muslim

the truth is, I have never been so proud of being a muslim and so contented with my faith as i am now living in a non-muslim country. In Malaysia, we take 'US' for granted. no one really go beyond the obvious of the requirements of being a practising muslim.

here and now, especially learning about the human development approach and food security and working in an Organisation that promotes the same issue, it is amazing how exciting and ground-breaking basic practices such as fasting and zakat seem.

:)

Selamat menyambut Ramadan Al-Mubaraq everyone! Semoga Ramadan kali ini lebih bermakna. Makan-makan kuih muih yang beli kat pasar Ramadan tu, ingat-ingatla gua di sini :)

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Saturday, July 25, 2009

the saturday that was

i want to stop and grieve the passing of today, of yesterday's hellos and this morning's goodbyes, but tomorrow is impatiently tapping his toes, as he waits for me to step over the threshold into his promises. come monday, everyone will have been on their ways to tomorrow's final calls in sterile airports and appointments and promotions. come monday, everyone would have forgotten today, when we cheerfully pushed sadness to make way for a last supper. heart tugs and heart clenches. there are way too many hellos and goodbyes in the world today. i am not sure i am equipped for this fast lane.

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Thursday, July 23, 2009

I am free

Last exam of the masters! next, internship & dissertation!

ps: graduation will be on Aidiladha...talk about the perfect way to celebrate my one year sacrifice for the future :) i am happy! i AM! isnt that amazing :))

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Monday, July 20, 2009

piu dissertation

when i chose to come do my masters, i was relieved that at the end of the class-based part of the course, there is a choice between writing a dissertation and doing internship. i thought i was a little old for internships, but i was not going to spend my days writing again.

one month into my internship/volunteership with the Organisation (thank you, god) i decided i am going to write a dissertation after all on a topic related to the work i am doing (for free, slavery you said?). yup, i am serving my head on a platter to the divine king of dissertation.

why, for the love of god, you ask me? a few reasons:-
  1. it's a new topic - the topic just screams to be written about. this issue is so freaking new that there is no literature on it as yet. maybe...just maybe...if i can make this work...i would be quoted on it some day? heee....
  2. because i am special - i suffer from the same affliction as all the writers and wanna-be writers...we want to live forever.
  3. stocktaking at work - i am already doing stocktaking (a major reason for avoiding dissertation in the first place) and on a level so large that it would be stupid not to use the information i am collecting for a dissertation. if i dont, someone else will.
  4. fortification of my CV - i so wanna write in the box that asks "do you have any publication" in the form they give you when you go to some job interviews.
  5. i want to be an all rounder - i already know i can do a pretty good job in a job setting, now i want to see if i can do that thing i am good at, you know, being both this AND that.
  6. future Phd? - yes, definitely, maybe...who knows.

so, yeah, today i sent in my draft issues to be addressed to my 2 supervisors, one at the univerisity and another at the Organisation, and we'll see what they think of it.

next step = table of content. yay!

yay? yay for table of content? what the hell happened to me?

we'll see how it goes. will keep you posted ;)

love:j

ps: my supervisor at the Organisation said if i do this properly and with good results, there is a chance of me getting published by the Organisation....WHAT? published by the Organisation? that's like...pretty much out of this world for me! YAY!

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Monday, July 13, 2009

of exams and growing up

so, we got the result of our two exams and happy to report i am extremely-extremely happy with the human development module. i was not really sure if i got it coming out of the exam room, but apparently it went not too badly :))

continuing my surprisingly constant performance, for food security i scored slightly higher and for the human development module a mind blowing 93%! i still think they mixed my result with someone elses. that was pretty good, eh? 93%...even i didnt dream that....heeeee....

the competitive-me is thinking if it would be possible for me to get cum laude. it is...but maybe it's going to take a little bit (lot) more hard work than usual. but maybe possible....

it is kinda wierd for me to be so concerned with exam results. i remember the undergrad days when all i did was pass exams. too smart for my own good, i never put in more than a couple hours of crashing the night before any exams. a B would be nice, but who really cares, right? it is just a piece of paper and therefore, a C would do, or D. as long as i dont fail, right?

i mean, a piece of paper cannot represent who you are or what you are made of or what you can achieve, right? you are more than that and you cant let yourself be governed by that piece of paper, it's like selling your soul to the man, right? and no one's gonna look too closely anyway, as long as you have it, you can do anything you want. Right?


WRONG!

I cant tell you how many lost opportunity because of my hippy thinking against that piece of paper. every job interview, every post graduate application i have had to explain why, being as 'amazing' as i am at work, my exam result sucks. yeah, ok, it was not that bad, i didnt fail or anything. but it was not great either and for the opportunities that i want, nothing less than great is the rule.

now, i look forward to not having to explain myself and just letting my CV do the talking.


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Friday, July 3, 2009

patterning pupil

So, max and i were talking in class. we decided that most people in the class have a pattern of things they would ask. i think the topic of the questions betrays the things that matter most to the questioner.

Sylvia the mathematician from kenya, for example, is very concerned about corrupt government. Fede the 3/4 economist 1/4 farmer is a fan of the people. Thais the body-baring brazilian is all about human rights. and dont let me start on Maya the Israeli, whose favourite quote is "power cannot be given, it has to be claimed".

i turned to max and asked if i have a certain pattern. he thought for a bit and decided that i dont. am i supposed to be happy about that (maybe i am an all rounder?) or should i be worried(scatter-brain you!)? but he said i have a pattern to my way of asking a question. i will start asking a question and then get bored of explaining myself and just decide to go half way and add "bla bla bla".

Since we had that conversation, i have noticed more and more are adding "bla bla bla" to their question. have i infected them with my laziness and attention deficit way?

:)) oh, well...

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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

doing wash in bong county

i have started looking for jobs and found an advert that gave me stitches. it's for a wash officer in liberia. in this case, wash is a short for Water, Sanitation & Hygiene and Bong County is a district named after mount bong in central-northern Liberia, west africa, BUT wash is also crack coccaine in another languange and we all know what a bong is.

so, yeah...

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Saturday, June 13, 2009

crashing

why is it so hard to keep your eyes open approaching exams? for someone who normally sleeps at 1 and wake up at 6.40 (yes, it's 6.40 on the dot) everyday, i have been sleeping twice maybe trice as much these days.

i guess my subconscious is stronger than my conscious.

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food security

Yes, it's that time of the module again...EXAM!!!

wish me luck!

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

the problem with aid in protracted crisis

in general, in spanking new crisis, food security has always been associated with food gap and the solution for that is seen as food aid. food aid does not solve the problem - it is not meant to be a long term solution. a short-term intervention, it is meant to keep people alive as they survive the crisis.

1 out of 4 (correct me if i am wrong) crisis turns out to be protracted. 90% of aid goes to these protracted crisis. and in many cases, food aid still continues, wrecking havoc with local market and production, dividing communities into eligible and uneligible thus breaking existing social networks, subduing local effort to survive and initiating the culture of dependence.

the problem is aid activities are mainly divided into two: humanitarian - relief and rescue, and development - rehabilitation. humanitarian comes in in a hurry with 1% of overall budget for analysis, while development comes in when there is a 'government' in place.

the question is, what about those protracted crisis where a government is not established or does not recover after, say, 3 weeks? in any case, many of these governments increase the transactional cost as more are diverted to fund corruption.

with not enough analysis are carried out to figure out local efforts to cope and survive, many international organisations 'assume' that the affected locals are totally dependant on them. with free aid, locals learn and adapt to be dependant, and as the crisis protract this 'adaptation' sometimes are non-reversible. international organisations should instead be supporting these local efforts. coordination between organisations are also low, and coordination with local organisations are even lower in fear of being seen as 'taking sides' in conflict areas.

the real situation is different from the assumption. affected locals are organised, they usually have some sort of network and efforts in place, although very much limited. and when there are local efforts that are innovative, these efforts are mostly not mainstreamed and extended.

the challenge is to figure out a way for international organisation to work in the situation between ideal humanitarian and development situation - beyond the immediate danger period, before the government is in place - supporting with deeper analysis that will allow them to support local efforts, with coordinated collaboration, supporting long-term livelihood and resilience pattern.

BUT the very first move is for all international organisation - FAO, WFP, IFAD, NGOs to name a few - to agree that this is the way to go, and that is a huge challenge in itself as we all know how 'easy' it is for these organisations to see eye to eye.

check out Beyond Relief: Food Security in Protracted Crisis, by the two lucas (with whom we had a discussion yesterday in class) and a gunter.

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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

of regrets and growth

~it was a beautiful day and i thought of regrets. this is a reproduction from td, edited and added of course~

what is the one thing you would do differently if given the chance to do it again?

i have lived for almost three decades before i learn to appreciate the meaning of regret. i was always proud to say that i have no regrets in life and i believed that lie. oh, the arrogance of youth!

i do have regrets. you know of my regret.

the thing is, to admit regret you must first admit to mistakes and that is a huge step in being human. the trick is to move on and use the regret as an impetus for change. there is nothing wrong in having regrets, it shows growth in your decision making and judgement skills.

speaking of growth, in class the other day, fede said something so unlike him - i have forgotten what it was but it was definitely in support of government and not the people. it was something i expect keith to say...but fede? changes denote growth and learning. in learning new things, we acquire new perspective, new data to build our opinions on.

i wonder if i have changed at all in the last 8 months i have been here.

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Wednesday, June 3, 2009

jost-ling for space

"no...no...you already answered yesterday. let's give someone else a chance"

ghee...

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Monday, June 1, 2009

Fede's Memory Lane Dinner

Fede refused to be paid in cash for the translation work he did for me. Instead he said, "Cook for me one dinner and we are even. I heard nice stories about your fried chicken." Fede, who used to live in Singapore when he was a kid, said he remembers 'nasi goreng' with a fried egg mata-lembu style on top. And so, as much as I would love to try out 'nasi tomato', i decided to give him exactly what he wanted.

So, nasi goreng with telur mata lembu and fried chicken on the side it was for Fede, Elisa and I!

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Sunday, May 31, 2009

the best of Italy


teatro greco
me and the peak of stromboli in the background at the 'budget' place we stayed at

the amazingly black sanded beach in stromboli. water was cold, but what i noticed after 3 seconds of being submerged is the lack of living things that i am so used to in the waters of Malaysia - fish, thing in shells and cones, seaweeds. very different! and interesting! this volcanic island.
...so far! ;)
the rest of photos will be on facebook when i have the time and energy to upload. yes, i will. and yes, i know i still owe a lot of photos from one dec trip, and one april trip. in time, in time.
ps: i was sooooo ready to take secret photos of the dead cappuchin monks, but when it came it, i just couldnt. it freaked me out so much and i realised taht those bodies (which was sooooo wierd, dead but with hair and clothes and sometimes pieces of skin still attached) are real people at one point. we will be exactly like them in no time at all. life is so fragile. And baby rosalia lombardo was so amazing. i was so freaked out that i needed a coke right after! :P
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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Internship

November last, we had the opportunity to sit through the final presentations of the last session's students. It was wayyyyy impressive! I was kinda intimidated, I didnt think i would be able understand what they were talking about when our time comes. And i was not alone in this. We we ALL scared.

And so, it was with fear that we watch the months fly by, each of us scrambling to find opportunities for internship and/0r figure out topics for researches. I especially didnt want to write. What scares me the most is literature review - small prints are so not my scene.

But apparently, I cannot even run. a perfect opportunity arrived to answer my prayer for a spot that combines all my exciting if slightly random pasts with the future i hope to have - sustainable biofuel for food security and poverty, with one of 3 big boys in our field. But what do i have to do? Review literature. but how can i say no?

so, we will see how this will pan out. a little scared, but glad i got a spot.

updates later!

baci:j

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Monday, May 25, 2009

Pass the Human Development Module - TICKED!

We ALL passed! can you imagine? i am sooooooo glad! they said some are worrying though, but we dont know who and we havent got the mark yet as The Muro has been busy outstation-ing the whole may. They said it will be released these few days.

I am just happy i dont have to go thru that again...as much as i think development econ is a lot of reading, double that and you will get the HD references. and NO, i am not kidding or exagerating as i am wont to do.

ok, gotta go. have to finish the assignment analysing market integration of bangladeshi rice - yeah, fun fun fun! NOT! (too many numbers!)

ciao:j

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Thursday, April 30, 2009

sicilia - 1st to 5th may

Finalmente!

There are 2 things that i MUST do in sicily.
  1. go up the stromboli and watch her unearth her love-a, and
  2. take secrets photos of the dead cappuchini monks.

The rest are welcome! Can hardly wait.


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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

egypt 200 pig culling

"i was surprised you caught on the connection between the culling and food security yesterday"

gheee...

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Saturday, April 4, 2009

entitlement

"what is your background."

"marine science. why?"

"it's just that no one has ever been so specific"

maybe it is not about the background...ghee...not too bad for an old bird like me huh? good job!


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Sunday, March 8, 2009

Quantitative Techniques

When my sister scored A3 for her 1119 when she was 17, my mom was soooooo happy. two years later i scored the same and she said, "A3? that's ok i guess". i always have that moment in my head when i am feeling insecure.

Last week we received the result of the QT (statistics la tu) exam. I got the same for Quantitative Technique as i got for development econ. But unlike before, when i was so happy that i scored as much, this time i was ok with it, but unsatisfied.

I finally understood my mother's statement. We just know that this achievement is achievable, we probably could have done better :)

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

nasi bungkus ayam korma

A thread on fb with old friends reminded me of an incident while growing up. we were in university and money was a very limited commodity. because we receive scholarships, we were usually quite well-heeled early in the term, but come end of the term, we were usually 'kering' (dried up).

one day, during one of those lean times, neng and i calculated our money and realised we had about RM1.60 for lunch today - that's rice and one chicken. we decided that we were hungry and the solution would be to be totally shameless - we were going to share one nasi bungkus.

we went to the canteen and lined up. plate, paper, and plastic liner in hand we went to the rice bucket. took a whole mole hill of rice, plus lots of korma gravy and one piece of skinny chicken. the guy behind the counter shook his head at our nasi bungkus because he couldnt even wrap it up. we paid the RM1.60, took it up to neng's room to eat.

that was one of the best meal i have ever had.


baci:j

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Monday, February 2, 2009

Making the Grade


Happy to report that we got our results for the Development Economics modules and yours truly is very very happy with her achievement. Not the best, mind you, but satisfactory. Yay! Thank you, God!

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Sunday, January 25, 2009

Italian GP

1. smells good
2. looks really good
3. showers regularly
4. reads
5. loves to travel
6. loves the family
7. curious about others
8. single
9. intelligent
10. committed to finding someone right instead of someone right now

There is a lot of potential in this. I am really looking forward to exploring this further :)

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Thursday, January 15, 2009

The education of juya

This year seems to be a year of firsts; crowding into the list are:-

1. First Opera: Aida (24th January)
2. First Ballet: Sleeping Beauty (11th February)

THIS is the Rome that I love! :) cant wait!

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Monday, January 12, 2009

Playing a Role

Leading to coming here to get me some education, I talked myself to death about my fears, my challenges, my aspirations and my dreams to my friends. Thinking to make clear my thoughts, I never really thought about the effect these internal conversations have on my the people around me. Today, Naa wrote me a long email about 'her move', which let loose my tears uncontrollably. It's been so long since I cried, I am glad these are happy tears. I am happy that I made an impact on her life and that my presence helped in any way at all to give her courage.

A few days ago I wrote in passing about Marianna Williamson's 'biggest fear'. I think it deserves a bigger space today. When you know that you have touched someone else's life in a good way, you know that feeling? It's a damn good feeling, isnt it?

I am happy today.

Va, bene.

"Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~Marianne Williamson, Return to Love ~

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Saturday, January 10, 2009

It sure pours!

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Friday, January 9, 2009

Result #1: One down, four to go!

Passed my development economics examination. Grade will be released after 18th January. I understand that the aim is to ace exams on top of learning something valuable and we are far from that until we know the grade, but thank you, God. Was not looking forward to resit the exam.

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The Reason

Meeting and talking to friends from home on FB made me feel a little guilty about not informing them that I was leaving. Most friends (and extended family!) don't even know that I was planning the move, let alone that I have left and intending to experience a little bit more of the world before going back home.

The plan for the masters programme started as a seed of thought even before I left the newspaper in 2005. Back then it was just about finding a way of moving away from journalism without going through what seemed like an inevitable path of moving into communications and public relations for most former journalists in Malaysia.

After the short stint with UNDP, and the move into the inevitable path of communications with MII, and the soul enriching experience of DANIDA, getting a masters degree became more of a tool to get ahead in the field I believe in the most.

The primary issue resulting in the decision to 'do it now' was recognising the dreams that I have basically left to wither in the course of fulfilling what the society thinks i should be/have. And then there is the hazard of actually getting what you wish for. Again and again I was reminded of Marrianne Williamson's 'biggest fear' quote. It was my mantra for a long while, convincing myself that I was strong enough, and ready to go on a limb and take that leap even if it means i will fail.

Telling myself is one thing, telling others is another ball game altogether. You need to convince yourself once and the rest is just a matter of making things work. Telling others means defending your decision again and again, against unfair and uninformed judgements, i-know-better-attitude, prejudice, protectionism, insecurity and fear - yours and theirs. Many a time we stop what we are supposed to do to accommodate these internal and external interference at the benefits of nobody.

And so, the decision to leave was leaked to almost no one. By almost I meant some people were given the privilege sooner than the others. Mostly these are my most trusted friends and family members, my amazing support system, as well as people undergoing the same process. There were my sisters sara and hani of course. And there were Dee-d and Jojo, and Naa who are trusted, supportive and taking the same step. There were Nik and Rasem, Joanna and Fanim who are sounding boards and brutal opinion contributors. There were Neil and Azizi who are my buddies who always listen. And then there was Ib who was my inspiration. And my treedwelling friends of course. And that was that. The rest knew about it only when there was no turning back.

Of course, mostly, I was scared that if it were leaked to everyone and I wouldnt be able to make the financial commitment, i would be totally devastated and they would see it in my eyes. I hve too much bad pride for that.

And because of that, I had a short time to say my goodbye. Meetings were arranged hastily, dinner were always attended by a mixture of friends from many parts of my life and a lot of goodbyes were done over the phone. And even now, i sit here day after day explaining myself to those who would listen the reason i didnt tell them about it all.

It was not becase YOU werent important, it was more because I needed the space to make MY own decision privately. I think that is the rights of everyone, especially for a move that is so vital that it will make or break our life.

So, deal with it!

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Tuesday, January 6, 2009

In love with greece

According to myth, when the Gods decide to build a city on a rock by the sea that is now Athens, a competition was held to choose which deity will be the namesake of the city. The task was to produce the legacy that will be most valuable to mankind. Poseidon, the God of the sea, striked his trident on a rock and bring forth a horse, a symbol of strength and fortitude. Athena the goddess of wisdom produces olive that symbolised peace and prosperity. Athena's peace won over Poseidon's war, and that was how Athens came about.

I love Greece. It is so different from Italy, or Rome at least. Sure there arent as many monuments as here, but then who's fault was that? Between the Romans and the Turks, Greece's rich history was pillaged and plundered to non-existence. But what a charming country! The people are open-minded, educated and friendly. The men are big and manly. The food is diverse and delicious. The cats are dogs and the dogs are horses, but not an annoying yap was heard. Basically, my kind of country, Greece is.

More photos on Facebook, but these are just previews :)



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